Dear Santa
A letter to Santa Obama from south of the border…
Dear Santa Obama,
As a patriotic tax payer, I’m a little too old to believe in Santa Claus any more.
But I believe in you, Santa Obama.
You see, like your wife, Mrs. Office of the President-elect, I too was never proud of my country until you became the most popular guy in school Hope and Change incarnate. If you hadn’t been elected, I would have moved to Canada, where people live really long lives because they don’t pay for anything. Ever.
Santa Obama, please make us more like Canada. Or Denmark. Sean Penn says Venezuela is super cool, you might want to look into that. Sean Penn knows a lot because he’s awesome in “Milk” and that’s about politics. Rob Reiner is another celebrity who has great ideas about the direction of the country. They’re just hard to hear through a mouthful of food but you could create a new federal commission work on that. Something like the Office of Waiting To Hear What Rob Reiner Says In Between Bites. Pay for it with money from The Rich, because they are evil. Unless they’re Kennedys.
Santa Obama, as a Teamster, I urge you to do whatever the labor unions ask. Trust me, it’s for the best. Force the passage of the Employee Free Choice Act immediately if you know what’s good for you because it’s best for all. American workers desperately need to be freed from the right to make their choices through the privacy of a secret ballot. After all, secret ballots are so un-Ameri…wait, I mean, it just helps to have three or four 250 lb. union reps explaining things in a men’s room stall.
Santa Obama, don’t let the evil Republicans kill our auto industry. It deserves all the help we can give it. So what if Toyota made money last year? Or if they build cars people want to buy? GM deserves our help because, you know, the Corvette and everything.
Santa Obama, I don’t ever want to pay for medicine or a doctor again. You promised affordable health care. Nothing is more affordable than something that costs “free dollars and free cents”. I think The Rich should pay for this too. Bastards. They think they’re so special because they create jobs. I hate them! I want to get extra diseases just to make them pay for more stuff. I’m a man but I’ll have a hysterectomy just to stick it to those greedy jerks! Die, rich people, die!
Anyway, free health stuff would be cool, Santa Obama.
Santa Obama, please make us friends with Europe again. I want to take a trip there and it would be nice if I didn’t have to fake a Canadian accent just to get along with other backpackers who haven’t showered in a week.
Santa Obama, you have it in your awesome power to end Global Warming. All you have to do is get the help of someone called Cap’n Trade, whoever he is. So what if he wants to ruin the United States economy? What good is that thing doing us anyway? It’s just full of rich greedy bastards who won’t pay for my f-ing rehab! Maybe you can also build a polar bear habitat on Al Gore’s north side so they don’t all drown.
Please, just make it all go away so the penguins can still be gay when they want to.
photo credit: Steve Rhodes
